Marvin and Muriel are lying in bed late one night. Suddenly, Marvin seems to grow frisky.

He touches her big toe.

He squeezes her ankle.

He kneads her knee.

He strokes her thigh.

Slowly and methodically, his fingers grope higher. And higher.

And then, suddenly, he pulls them away and moves back to his own side of the bed.

“Marvin!” cries Muriel. "Why did you stop? Do you need some, you know… help?”

“No, no,” says Marvin. “Everything’s fine. I finally found the remote.”  

Two women, Maizie and Myrna, are talking in a condo in Hollywood. Hollywood, Florida, that is. Maizie has news. “Guess what!” she says. “A new man moved into the building just this week. He’s single. A widower.”

“Really!” says Myrna. “I’d love to meet this man. Have you seen him yet?”

“Seen him?” asks Maizie. “I went out with him last night. I put on a beautiful new dress, and he met me downstairs with flowers and had a limo waiting. He took me to the best restaurant in town. There, he ordered their finest Champagne and we dined by candlelight, then danced! Afterwards, he asked if he could come up for a nightcap. But when we got into my apartment, he suddenly grew amorous. He turned into a wild, passionate beast, ripped my clothing right off my body and had his way with me – twice!”

“Oy,” says Myrna. “How terrible! So you’re saying I shouldn’t go out with him?”

“No.  Go, go,” says Maizie. “Just don’t wear a new dress.”

Back on the Reservation

          A family of Schmohawk Indians were sitting around the shtetl one night:  There was the papa, Geronowitz, the mama, Pocayenta, and their beautiful young daughter, Minihorowitz

          "So, nu," says Minihorowitz, "you'll never believe."

          "What?" says Pocayenta.

          "Today, at high noon, I was proposed to in marriage."

          "Yes?" says the mama. "So what did you say?"

          "What do you think I said? I said yes."

          "You said yes?"

          "Yes."

          "That's wonderful," says the mama. "Did you hear that, Geronowitz? Our Minihorowitz -- she's getting married!"

          "I heard, I heard," says the papa. "I'm kvelling. So who's the lucky boy?"

          "Sittin' Bagel."

          "Sittin' Bagel?" says the mama. "You mean of the SoSiouxMe tribe?"

          "That's him," says Minihorowitz.

          "Oy, Geronowitz! The SoSiouxMe's! There are so many of them! How will we feed them? How can we fit them all in our teepee for the wedding?"

          "We'll think of something," says Geronowitz.

          "Geronowitz! Get me a buffalo!" says the mama.

          "What, at this hour?"

          "No, Geronowitz, for the wedding! I can make buffalo brisket from the meat, and we can make an extra teepee from the hide. Get me a buffalo!"

          So Geronowitz goes out to hunt a buffalo. A day goes by, and a night, and Geronowitz has not come back. Then another day and another night, and still no sign of him. Another day and half the night. Finally, Geronowitz comes home, exhausted, staggering and empty- handed.

          "Geronowitz!" says Pocayenta. "I've been worried sick. Where have you been? And where's my buffalo?"

          "Well, it's like this," he says. "On my first day out, I hunted high, and I hunted low, and I finally found a buffalo. But this buffalo, he made PeeWee Herman look strong. A tiny, scrawny buffalo, with no meat on his bones for buffalo brisket, and barely enough hide for a wallet. So I settled in for the night to try again the next day.

          "The second day, I looked high, and I looked low, and I finally found a buffalo. He was a big buffalo, with lots of meat, and lots of hide, but I  tell you, Pocayenta, this was the ugliest buffalo I ever saw in my life. 'This', I thought to myself, 'is no buffalo for my daughter's wedding.' So again, I settled in for the night.

          "The third day, I got up early, and I looked high and I looked low, and suddenly, there it was! A magnificent buffalo. A great, big buffalo. It was, as buffalos go, a beautiful buffalo. Now this, I say to myself, this is the buffalo Pocayenta wants for Minihorowitz's wedding.

          "So I reach into my backpack quietly for my tomahawk, and as I tiptoe over to the buffalo, I raise my tomahawk slowly over the buffalo's neck, when suddenly, like a bolt of lightning from the sky, I see it."

          "See what?" says Pocayenta.

          "Can you believe it?" asks Geronowitz. "I've brought the milchedik tomahawk!"

A Taste of Honey

           A candy company wants to introduce a new line of Life Savers. In keeping with the current preoccupation with healthy foods, the first flavor they settle on is honey.

          They're not certain it will be a hit with the younger crowd, though, so they decide to test-market it with some kids.

          They pass out samples to a roomful of fifth graders and ask them to each pop one in their mouth and try to guess the taste.

          The flavor is not familiar to this pre-adolescent group, though. Most base their guesses on the candy's color, which happens to be a shade of brown.

          "Coke!" guesses one. "Coffee?" asks another. Others venture chocolate and root beer. One Jewish child even suggests liver. 

          Finally, the test marketer decides to make things easier by offering a hint. "Think of something that you've heard Mommy call Daddy."

          At that, one boy in the back cries out, "Oh, no! Spit it out, guys! These things aren't chocolate. They're assholes!"    

            A woman stops by her son's house unexpectedly early one evening and walks in without ringing the doorbell. She is shocked at what she sees.

Her young new daughter-in-law is stretched out on the couch in the altogether. Soft jazz is playing, and an intense aroma of perfume pervades the air.

            "What are you doing?" she asks.

            "I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law replies.

            "Like that you're waiting?" the woman asks. "Where are your clothes?"

            "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explains.

            "Love dress? You're... naked!"

            "Your son loves me to wear this dress," the daughter-in-law says. "It excites him to no end. Each time he sees me in it, he becomes intensely romantic and ravages me for hours. He doesn't even stop to eat. He can't get enough of me."

            When the woman gets home, she showers, douses herself with cologne and stretches out on the couch to wait.

            Finally, her husband arrives and discovers her lying there provocatively.

            "What are you doing?" he asks.

            "This is my love dress," she whispers erotically.

            "Needs ironing," he replies. "What's for dinner?"

A religious young Jewish couple is distraught that they have been unable to conceive a child. Finally, they go to consult a fertility expert.

The doctor subjects them each to a battery of tests. When the wife returns for the results, he says that he's found nothing physically wrong with either one of them. Perplexed, he proceeds to interrogate her. "How often do you have relations?" he asks.

"Relations?" she echoes, clearly mystified.

"Sexual intercourse," he explains.

The woman looks at him aghast. "Oy," she says. "How can you talk about that disgusting thing?"

"Excuse me?" he asks. "I'm talking about normal sexual activity. Don't you and your husband have sex?"

"Oy!" she repeats. "That thing again! I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't touch it! Please don't talk about it. Oy!"

The doctor shakes his head. "Now I understand the problem," he tells her. "I'm afraid that you have a deficiency of passion, and if you ever had a child, it would be a miracle."

When she gets home, the husband asks her what the doctor said. "So, nu?"

The young woman shrugs. "He said that I have a fish in the passage," she answers, "and if we ever had a child, it would be a mackerel!"

                                                                         Jewish Divorce

A Jewish woman says to her mother, "I'm going to divorce
Jeff ! All he wants is sex, sex, sex.  My vagina now has the diameter
of a 50-cent piece, whereas it used to be about the size of a nickel." 

Her mother shakes her head. "You're married to a multi-millionaire," she says. "You live
in an eight-bedroom mansion. You drive a Ferrari. You get $2,000 a week allowance.
You take six vacations a year... And you want to throw all that away over 45 cents?"

DIVORCE versus MURDER

A nice, respectable lady walks into a drug store, goes up to the pharmacist, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'd like to buy some cyanide."

"Why in the world do you need cyanide?" the pharmacist asks.

"I need it to poison my husband," the lady replies.

The pharmacist's eyes get big. "Lord have mercy!" he exclaims. "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law. I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. You absolutely CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reaches into her purse and pulls out a picture of her husband... in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looks at the picture. "Oh," he says. "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."