Let There Be Lightness: Jewish Mother and Other
Jewish vs. Italian
Question: What's the difference between a Jewish mother and an Italian
Answer: An Italian mother says to her
children, "Eat this or I'll kill you!"
a Jewish mother tells them, "Eat this or I'll kill myself!"
WHAT A WOMAN WANTS
Norma and her
husband Nathan went for counselling after 25 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, Norma went into a passionate, painful tirade, enumerating every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they’d been married.
went on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable – a laundry list of unmet needs.
the therapist got up and walked around the desk. Asking Norma to stand, he quickly unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his
hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, all the while kissing her lips passionately as her husband Bob watched
with raised eyebrows.
Then Norma buttoned up and quietly sat down, basking in the glow of receiving affection and being highly aroused.
point, the therapist turned to Nathan. “This is what your wife needs at least three times
a week,” he stated. “Can you do that?”
Nathan thought intently for a moment and then replied, “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays
and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I play golf."
Late one morning, a man returns after several hours of fishing and goes to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, his wife Marsha decides to take the
boat out herself.
motors out a short distance, anchors, and began to read a book.
after, along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside
her and says, "Good morning, ma'am, what are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, thinking, "Isn't
"You're in a restricted fishing
area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer,”
she responds, “but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
he answers, “but you have all the equipment. For all I know, you could
at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
reading a book?" she asks.
"You're in a restricted
fishing area," he informs her again.
sorry, officer, but as you can see I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
he acknowledges, “but for all I know, you could start
at any moment. So I'll have to take you in."
you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says
"But I haven't even touched you,"
cries the warden.
"That's true,” she admits,
“but you have all the equipment. For all I know, you
start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am,"
he replies, and he leaves.
Moral of the story:
Never argue with a Jewish woman, especially one who reads.
Jewish vs. Goyish
Judges are Jewish. Juries are Goyish.
Packing all the mini shampoos from the hotel is Jewish.
Actually using them is Goyish.
family style is Jewish.
Ordering “a la carte” is Goyish.
Cruises are Jewish. Walking tours are Goyish.
Picking from your mate's plate is Jewish.
Not wanting even "a little taste" is Goyish.
Fruitcake is Goyish. Fruit and cake is Jewish.
Reading "how-to" books
Writing "how-to" books is Jewish.
PBS is Jewish. ESPN is Goyish.
Tiffany's is Goyish.Your
Uncle Ira in the Jewelry District is Jewish.
Passing bars is Goyish. Passing the Bar Exam
DIY (Do it Yourself) is Goyish. PAG (Pay A Goy who knows what he's doing) is Jewish.
Ham on white bread is Goyish. Hot pastrami on rye is Jewish.
Laughing at someone else's
troubles is Goyish.
Laughing at your own troubles is Jewish.
are Goyish. "The kids" is Jewish.
Tattoos and piercing
Diamonds and pearls are Jewish.
A party that revolves around the buffet
table is Jewish.A party that revolves around the bar is Goyish!
But above all, making lists of what's Jewish and what's not is very, very JEWISH!!!
The Jewish Tie Salesman
A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far
off in the distance.
Hoping to find water,
he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack...
The Taliban terrorist asked,
"Do you have any water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I
have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Taliban shouted hysterically,
"Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment. I spit on your ties. I need water!”
"Sorry, I have none. Just ties -- pure silk -- and only $5."
A curse on your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you, but... I must conserve
my energy and find water!"
"Okay," said the
little old Jewish man. “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me or that you hate me, threaten my
life, and call me an infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east
for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need. Go in peace."
Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead, and gasped...
"They won't let me in without a tie!”
* * * *
A JEWISH WIFE'S UNEXPECTED
Yankele's wife Feige came home early and found Yankele in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
Feige was upset. "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife,
the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a 'Get' [Jewish divorce]!"
"Hang on just a minute, Feige,"
Yankele replied, "so at least I can tell you what happened."
"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, "but they'll be the last
words you'll say to me!"
And so Yankele began to explain. "Vell,
I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took rachmones [pity] on her and let her into the car.
"I noticed that she was very thin, not well-dressed and very dirty.
She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So
in my compassion I brought her home and warmed up the luckshen kugel [noodle pudding] I made for you last night,
the food that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll
put on weight. The poor thing devoured it in moments.
"She needed a good clean-up, and
while she was showering, I noticed that her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave
her the designer outfit that you've had for a few years, but don't wear because you say it's too tight.
"I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present
from me, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
"I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Chanukah that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also
threw in those boots you bought at the expensive boutique but don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same."
Yankele took a quick breath and continued. "She was so grateful for
my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please, do
you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?' "
SEATING REQUEST FORM FOR HIGH HOLIDAYS
During the last holiday season, many individuals expressed concern about the seating arrangements
in the synagogue. In order for us to place you in a seat which will best suit you, we ask that you to complete the
following questionnaire and return it to the synagogue office as soon as possible.
1. I would prefer to sit in the (check
If talking, which category do you prefer?
(Indicate order of interest:)
___ Stock market
___ General gossip
___ Specific gossip (choose from below:)
The cantor's voice
The cantor's significant other
The rabbi's significant other
What others are wearing
Why they look awful
My neighbors' relatives
Presidential election, results from
___ My children/grandchildren
Which of the following would you like to be near for free professional advice?
__ Child psychiatrist
__ Lawyer, General Practice
__ Criminal Lawyer
__ Civil Lawyer
__ Real estate agent
__ Buyer Specify store:
__ Golf pro [tentative; we're still trying to find a Jewish one]
I want a seat located (Indicate order of priority:)
__ On the aisle
__ Near the exit
__ Near the window
__ In Aruba
__ Near the bathroom
__ Near my in-laws
__ As far away from my in-laws as possible
As far away from my ex-in-laws as possible
__ Near the pulpit
__ Near the Kiddush table (not applicable on Yom Kippur)
Near single men
Near available women
Where no one on the bimah can see/hear me talking during services
__ Where no one will notice me sleeping during services
Where I can sleep during the rabbi's sermon [additional charge]
__ Where I can use my iPhone (Shhhh…)
5. (Orthodox only) I would like a seat
I can see my spouse over the mechitza
__ I cannot see my spouse over the mechitza
I can see my friend's spouse over the mechitza
__ My spouse cannot see me looking at my friend's spouse over the mechitza.
Please do not place me anywhere near the following people:
(Limit of six. Require more space? You may wish to consider joining
fund pledge (acknowledging and in grateful appreciation for this change): $__________
we wish everyone a healthy, happy and prosperous year!
GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa -- half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe
-- well-developed and open to trade, especially for something of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like
Spain -- very hot, relaxed,
and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece -- gently aging,
but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel -- has been through war,
doesn't make the same mistakes twice, and takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada -- cool, self-preserving,
but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet -- wildly beautiful,
with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages, an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN…
Between 1 and 100, a man is like Iran -- ruled by a couple
THE YIDDISH ZODIAC
The Year of:
1931, 1943, 1955, 1967, 1979, 1991, 2003
You're a healer, nourishing all whom you encounter. We feel better
being in your presence. Mothers want to bring you home to meet their
children -- resist this at all costs. Compatible
with Bagel and Knish.
1908, 1920, 1932, 1944, 1956, 1968, 1980, 1992, 2004
You've got a devious personality, since
you're made with neither eggs
nor cream. Friends find your pranks refreshing; others think you're too
with Blintz, who also has something to hide.
1909, 1921, 1933, 1945, 1957, 1969, 1981, 1993, 2005
love you or hate you, making you wonder, "What am I,
chopped liver?" But don't get a complex; you're always
welcome at the
holidays! Bagel's got your back.
1910, 1922, 1934, 1946, 1958, 1970, 1982, 1994, 2006
Creamy and dreamy,
you're rightfully cautious to travel in pairs. You
play it coy, but word is that, with the right topping, you turn over
morning, noon and night. Compatible with Schmear.
1911, 1923, 1935, 1947, 1959, 1971,
1983, 1995, 2007
Working class with a grating exterior, you're a real softie on the
inside. Kind of plain naked,
but when dressed up you're a real dish.
Compatible with Schmear's cousin, Sour Cream.
1912, 1924, 1936, 1948, 1960, 1972, 1984, 1996, 2008
and always bounce back, although you feel something's
missing in your center. If this persists, get some therapy. Compatible
Schmear and Lox... Latke and Knish, not so much.
1913, 1925, 1937, 1949, 1961, 1973, 1985, 1997, 2009
You're the perfect
sidekick: Friends love your salty wit and snappy banter, but you never overshadow them. That shows genuine seasoning from
when you were a cucumber. Marry Pastrami later in life.
1914, 1926, 1938, 1950, 1962, 1974, 1986,
You blend well with others, but often spread yourself too thin. A
smooth operator, you could use some
spicing up now and then. Compatible with Bagel and Lox. Avoid Pastrami -- wouldn't be kosher.
1927, 1939, 1951, 1963, 1975, 1987, 1999, 2011
Brisket's hipper sibling, always smokin' and ready to party. You spice
up life, even if you keep your parents up at night. Compatible with
Pickle, who's always by your side.
AND WHITE COOKIE
1916, 1928, 1940, 1952, 1964, 1976, 1988, 2000, 2012
Kids love you, but make up your mind! Are
you black or white? Cake or
cookie? You say you're "New Age," all yin & yang. We call it
Sweetie, you're most compatible with yourself.
1917, 1929, 1941, 1953, 1965, 1977, 1989, 2001, 2013
Flaky on the surface, you're actually a person of depth and substance.
Consider medical or law school, but don't get
too wrapped up in
yourself. Compatible with Pickle. Avoid Lox, who's out of your league.
1942, 1954, 1966, 1978, 1990, 2002, 2014
Thin and rich, you're very high maintenance: all you want to do is bask in the
heat, getting some color. Consider retiring to Boca. Compatible with Bagel and Schmear, although you top them both.
Is it okay for Jews to take Viagra on Shabbat?
One rabbi says that Jewish law forbids the ingestion of Viagra on Shabbat,
lest one violate the infraction of erecting a structure on the Sabbath.
But another rabbi says that as a medication which adds pleasure to the Sabbath
(not to mention the rest of the week), it is permissible.
However, during Passover it is taboo to take Viagra --
as well as any other agent that causes things to rise. Which raises (you'll excuse the expression) yet another question:
What blessing does an observant Jew say before taking the Viagra pill?
There is a choice of three blessings:
Atah HaShem zokeif kfuffim -- Bless you, Lord, for straightening those who are bent.
2. Boruch Atah HaShem yaaleh
vyavo -- Bless you, Lord, for causing things to arise and come.
3. Boruch Atah HaShem mechayei hameitim
-- Bless you Lord for raising the dead. Amen!
Three Ladies in a Sauna
Three women -- two
young ladies and a considerably older one -- were sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly, there was a soft beeping sound. One
of the young women pressed her forearm, and the beeping instantly stopped.
The other two looked at her inquisitively. "That was my pager," she explained.
"I have a microchip embedded in my arm."
A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her
ear and had a short chat.
When she had finished speaking, she hastened to explain. "That was my mobile
phone. I have a microchip inside my hand."
The older woman felt very low-tech and out-of-date. Not to be outdone, she decided that she had to do
something equally impressive. So she stepped out of the sauna and went into the bathroom.
Moments later, she returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end.
The other two raised their eyebrows and stared at her.
Finally, the older woman explained. "Well, will you look at that... I'M GETTING A FAX!!!"
Top Ten Purim Pickup Lines
(Kosher comedy for the circumsized)
- If Purim means lottery, I think I just hit the jackpot!
- If I could rewrite the word Purim, I would put U and I together.
- Damn girl, my
name must be Haman, cuz I am HUNG up on you!
- Excuse me, do you have any raisin hamentashen? How about a date?
- Do you know what costume would
look good on you? Me.
- Excuse me, ma'am, is that costume felt? Would you like it to be?
- This Megillah's got your number written all over it.
- You remind me of Haman's sons.... a 10!
- I've got the P, the M, the R and the I...now, all i need is U.
- You must be Queen Esther, 'cause I'm ready to
do whatever you say.
Words of Wisdom
Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit; wisdom
is not putting it in a fruit salad.
We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who’s right — only who is left.
The evening news is when they begin with the words “Good evening,”
and then they proceed to tell you why it isn't.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops. So, on my desk, do I have a work station?
Whenever I fill out an application, where it says "In case
of emergency, notify," I put "DOCTOR."
Why do Americans choose from
just two people to run for president, but among 50 for Miss America?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you
say the paint is wet?
A clear conscience
is usually the sign of a bad memory.
You don’t need a parachute to skydive. You need a parachute to skydive twice.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you
to go to hell in such a way that you’ll look forward to the trip.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and then call
whatever you hit the target.
bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you’re after it as when you’re in it.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Ode to a Jewish Man
A Jewish man is a woman's best friend.
He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.
will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires.
He will make sure she always feels that she's the most beautiful woman in the room,
and will enable her to be confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.
No wait.... Sorry......
I'm thinking of wine.
It’s wine that does all that ...
Shabbat shalom. Please pass the Manischewitz.
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
last name stays put.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
You can be President.
You can never get pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another
gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
work, more pay.
Wrinkles simply "add character."
Wedding dress $5,000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
One mood all month. (One mood all the time.)
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear costs $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You only have to shave
your face and neck.
play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
The Chanukah Song
As performed by Adam Sandler on Saturday Night Live
Put on your yarmulke
Here comes Chanukah
So much funukah
To celebrate Chanukah
Chanukah is the Festival of Lights
Instead of one day of presents, we have eight crazy nights
When you feel like the only kid in town without a Christmas tree
Here's a list of people who are Jewish, just like you and me:
Lee Roth lights the menorah
So do James
Caan, Kirk Douglas, and the late Dinah Shore-ah
Guess who eats together at the Carnegie Deli:
Bowser from Sha Na Na and Arthur Fonzerelli
half Jewish, Goldie Hawn's half, too
Put them together, what a fine lookin' Jew!
You don't need "Deck The Halls" or "Jingle Bell Rock"
'Cause you can spin a dreidel with Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock
Put on your yarmulke
It's time for Chanukah
The owner of
the Seattle Supersonicahs
O.J. Simpson – not a Jew
But guess who is: Hall of famer Rod Carew
We got Ann Landers and her sister Dear Abby
Harrison Ford's a quarter Jewish – not too shabby.
Some people think
that Ebenezer Scrooge is
not, but guess who is: All three Stooges!
So many Jews are in show biz
Tom Cruise isn't, but I heard his agent is.
Tell your friend
It's time to celebrate Chanukah
I hope I get a harmonicah
On this lovely, lovely Chanukah
So drink your gin and tonicah
And smoke your marijuanikah
If you really, really wannakah
Have a happy, happy, happy,
Top 10 Movie Rentals During Chanukah
Men and a Bubbie
2. A Few Good Mensches
3. The Cohenheads
The Rocky Hora Picture Show
5. Home Shalom
6. Goys 'n the Hood
A Gefilte Fish Called Wanda
8. The Wizard of Oys
9. Who Framed Roger Rabbi?
10. Prelude to a Bris
A Legal Lesson
A lawyer runs a stop
sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he has a better education.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense. The
deputy says, "License and registration, please."
"What for?" the lawyer asks.
The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
The lawyer says, "I slowed
down, and no one was coming."
The deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and
"What's the difference?" the lawyer asks.
The deputy says,
"The difference is that you have to come to a complete stop. That's the law."
The lawyer says,
"If you can show me the legal difference between slowing down and stopping, then I'll give you my license and registration
and you can give me the ticket. If not, then you let me go with no ticket."
The deputy is fine with
this. "Exit your vehicle, sir," he says. At this point, the deputy takes off his gloves and starts slapping the
lawyer. "So," he says, "do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"
Israeli Airport Security
The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy
concerns that come with the new full-body scanners at airports.
It's a booth that you step into, but it will not X-ray you. Instead,
it will detonate any explosive device that you may have on you. They see this as a win-win for everyone, with none of that nonsense about racial profiling. It also will
eliminate the costs of holding a long and expensive trial. Justice would be swift. Case closed!
So don't be surprised if you're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled
explosion, shortly followed by an announcement coming over the PA system... "Attention, standby passengers, we now have
a seat available on flight number 235 from Tel Aviv to New York!!! Please come to the El Al terminal if interested.
Oh, and Shalom, Mohammed!"
The Black Bra
Three women who worked together went out to
lunch one day – Kimberly, Meg, and Sylvia.
Kimberly had a boyfriend, Meg was engaged, and Sylvia had been married
to her husband Shmuel for 20+ years.
They began chatting about their relationships and decided to see what would
happen if they
surprised their men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.
night, Kimberly met her boyfriend at his office wearing a raincoat, the black bra, black stiletto heels
and a black mask over her eyes. When she opened
the raincoat, he didn't say a word. His eyes just nearlypopped out of his head. Then they went back
to his apartment and made love all night.
Meg greeted her fiancé after work dressed in a
black leather bodice, black stilettos and a mask.
“You are the woman of my dreams,” he told
her. “You are so hot!” Then they too made passionate love all night.
As for Sylvia, she awaited her husband that
night also wearing a black bra, black stockings, black
stilettos and a black mask over her eyes. When he came through the door and saw her, he took off his coat, sat down at
the dining room table and said, "What's for dinner, Zorro?"
Nun the Wiser
A cabbie picks up a nun. The nun gets into the cab and notices that the VERY handsome driver can't take his eyes
off her. She asks him why he’s staring
"I have something to ask you," he replies, "but I don't want
to offend you."
"My son," the nun answers, "you cannot offend
me. When you're as old as I am, and have been a nun for as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm
sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, then, I’ll tell you," he says. "It’s always been my fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that. I might consider it, but No. 1,
you have to be single. And No. 2, you must be Catholic."
the cab driver grows extremely excited. "Yes, yes,” he says, “I'm single and a Catholic!"
“OK," the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
He does, whereupon the nun fulfills his fantasy, bestowing a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
When they get back on the road, though, the cab driver begins to cry. "My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?""Forgive me, but I've sinned,” he replies. “I lied to you and really must
confess: I'm actually married, and I'm Jewish."
"That's OK,” the nun
says. “My name is Kevin, and I'm going to a Halloween party."
You might not realize this, but many inanimate objects are actually either male
Here are some examples:
FREEZER BAGS: These are male. They hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
These are female, because once turned off they take a while to warm up again.
Also, they are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but also can wreak
havoc if you push the wrong ones.
TIRES: These are male, because they easily go bald and are often overinflated.
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft and squeezable and they retain water.
WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently get hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
HAMMERS: Also male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, yet it's
occasionally handy to have one around.
REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably were thinking
male, but consider this:
It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it,
and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying anyway.
A Touching Tale
Marvin and Muriel are lying in bed late one night. Suddenly, Marvin seems to grow
He touches her big toe.
He squeezes her ankle.
He strokes her thigh.
Slowly and methodically,
his fingers grope higher. And higher.
And then, suddenly, he pulls them away and moves
back to his own side of the bed.
“Marvin!” cries Muriel. "Why did you stop? Do you need some, you know… help?”
“No, no,” says Marvin.
“Everything’s fine. I finally found the remote.”
The Hollywood Date
Two women, Maizie and Myrna,
are talking in a condo in Hollywood. Hollywood, Florida, that is. Maizie has news. “Guess what!” she says. “A new man moved into
the building just this week. He’s single. A widower.”
Myrna. “I’d love to meet this man. Have you seen him yet?”
“Seen him?” asks
Maizie. “I went out with him last night. I put on a beautiful new dress, and he met me downstairs with flowers and had
a limo waiting. He took me to the best restaurant in town. There, he ordered their finest Champagne and we dined by candlelight,
then danced! Afterwards, he asked if he could come up for a nightcap. But when we got into my apartment, he suddenly grew
amorous. He turned into a wild, passionate beast, ripped my clothing right off my body and had his way with me – twice!”
“Oy,” says Myrna.
“How terrible! So you’re saying I shouldn’t go out with him?”
Go, go,” says Maizie. “Just don’t wear a new dress.”
Back on the Reservation
A family of Schmohawk Indians were sitting around the shtetl
one night: There was the papa, Geronowitz, the mama, Pocayenta, and their beautiful young daughter, Minihorowitz
"So, nu," says Minihorowitz,
"you'll never believe."
"What?" says Pocayenta.
"Today, at high noon, I was proposed to in marriage."
"Yes?" says the mama. "So what did you say?"
do you think I said? I said yes."
"You said yes?"
"That's wonderful," says the mama. "Did you hear that, Geronowitz? Our Minihorowitz -- she's getting married!"
"I heard, I heard," says the papa. "I'm kvelling.
So who's the lucky boy?"
"Sittin' Bagel?" says the mama. "You mean of the SoSiouxMe tribe?"
"That's him," says Minihorowitz.
"Oy, Geronowitz! The
SoSiouxMe's! There are so many of them! How will we feed them?
How can we fit them all in our teepee for the wedding?"
"We'll think of something," says Geronowitz.
Get me a buffalo!" says the mama.
"What, at this hour?"
"No, Geronowitz, for the wedding! I can make buffalo brisket from the meat, and we can make an extra teepee from the hide. Get me a buffalo!"
So Geronowitz goes out to hunt a buffalo. A day goes by, and
a night, and Geronowitz has not come back. Then another day and another
night, and still no sign of him. Another day and half the night. Finally,
Geronowitz comes home, exhausted, staggering and empty- handed.
"Geronowitz!" says Pocayenta. "I've been worried
sick. Where have you been? And where's my buffalo?"
it's like this," he says. "On my first day out, I hunted high, and I hunted low, and I finally found a buffalo.
But this buffalo, he made PeeWee Herman look strong. A tiny, scrawny buffalo, with no meat on his bones for buffalo brisket,
and barely enough hide for a wallet. So I settled in for the night to try again the next day.
"The second day, I
looked high, and I looked low, and I finally found a buffalo. He was
a big buffalo, with lots of meat, and lots of hide, but I tell
you, Pocayenta, this was the ugliest buffalo I ever saw in my life.
'This', I thought to myself, 'is no buffalo for my daughter's wedding.'
So again, I settled in for the night.
"The third day, I got up early, and I looked high and I looked low, and
suddenly, there it was! A magnificent buffalo. A great, big buffalo. It was, as buffalos go, a beautiful buffalo. Now this, I say to myself, this is the buffalo Pocayenta wants for Minihorowitz's wedding.
I reach into my backpack quietly for my tomahawk, and as I tiptoe over to the
buffalo, I raise my tomahawk slowly over the buffalo's neck, when suddenly, like a bolt of lightning from the sky, I see it."
"See what?" says Pocayenta.
"Can you believe
it?" asks Geronowitz. "I've brought the milchedik tomahawk!"
A Taste of Honey
A candy company wants to introduce a new line of
Life Savers. In keeping with the current preoccupation with healthy foods, the first flavor they settle on
They're not certain it will be a hit with the younger crowd, though, so they decide to test-market it with some
They pass out samples to a roomful of fifth graders and ask them to each pop one in their mouth and try to guess
is not familiar to this pre-adolescent group, though. Most base their guesses on the candy's color, which happens
to be a shade of brown.
"Coke!" guesses one. "Coffee?" asks another. Others venture chocolate and root beer. One Jewish child
even suggests liver.
Finally, the test marketer decides to make things easier by offering a hint. "Think of something that you've heard
Mommy call Daddy."
At that, one boy in the back cries out, "Oh, no! Spit it out, guys! These things aren't chocolate. They're assholes!"
The Love Dress
A woman stops by her son's house unexpectedly early one evening and walks in without ringing the doorbell.
She is shocked at what she sees.
new daughter-in-law is stretched out on the couch in the altogether. Soft jazz is playing, and an intense aroma
of perfume pervades the air.
"What are you doing?" she asks.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law replies.
"Like that you're waiting?"
the woman asks. "Where are your clothes?"
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explains.
"Love dress? You're... naked!"
"Your son loves me to wear this dress," the daughter-in-law says. "It excites him to no end. Each time he sees
me in it, he becomes intensely romantic and ravages me for hours. He doesn't even stop to eat. He can't get enough of me."
When the woman
gets home, she showers, douses herself with cologne and stretches out on the couch to wait.
Finally, her husband arrives and
discovers her lying there provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"This is my love dress," she whispers erotically.
"Needs ironing," he replies. "What's for dinner?"
The Cold Truth
A religious young Jewish couple is distraught that they have been unable to conceive
a child. Finally, they go to consult a fertility expert.
The doctor subjects them each to a battery of tests. When the wife returns for the
results, he says that he's found nothing physically wrong with either one of them. Perplexed, he proceeds to interrogate her.
"How often do you have relations?" he asks.
"Relations?" she echoes, clearly mystified.
"Sexual intercourse," he explains.
The woman looks at him aghast. "Oy,"
she says. "How can you talk about that disgusting thing?"
"Excuse me?" he asks.
"I'm talking about normal sexual activity. Don't you and your husband have sex?"
she repeats. "That thing again! I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't touch it! Please don't talk about it. Oy!"
The doctor shakes his head. "Now I understand the problem," he tells her. "I'm afraid that you
have a deficiency of passion, and if you ever had a child, it would be a miracle."
When she gets
home, the husband asks her what the doctor said. "So, nu?"
The young woman shrugs. "He
said that I have a fish in the passage," she answers, "and if we ever had a child, it would be a mackerel!"
Did you hear about Ben & Jerry's new Jewish ice cream flavors?
- Mazel Toffee
- Cara-mel Brooks
- Cherry Seinfeld
- Rashi Road
- Oy Ge-malt
- Mi Ka-mocha
- Cookies and
- Soda & Gomorra
- Manishta Nut
- Tal-mud Pie
- Baal Shem Tov-futi
- Choc-Eilat Chip
- Berry Pr'i Hagafen
of course, come in a Cohen...
The Language Lesson
his 70th birthday, Shmuel got a gift certificate from his wife, Rivka. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine
man living on a nearby reservation. The man was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded with some difficulty, Shmuel drove to the reservation, handed
his ticket to the medicine man and prepared himself for the worst.
The medicine man slowly
and methodically produced a strange, dark potion, handed it over, and with a firm grip on Shmuel's shoulder, warned,
"This is powerful medicine and must be respected. Take only a teaspoonful, and then say, '1-2-3.' When you do that, you
will instantly become more manly than you have ever been in your whole life, and you will be able to perform for as long as
This didn’t seem bad at all. But Shmuel still had some anxiety. As
he turned to walk away, he asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
The medicine man responded. "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4.' When she does,
the medicine will stop working at once and will not be effective again until the next full moon."
Eager to see if this actually
worked, Shmuel went home, showered, shaved, and downed a spoonful of the medicine. Then he invited Rivka to join him
in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3." Immediately, as if by magic, he became
the manliest of men. His wife grew excited and began peeling off her clothes. And then she asked him, "But Shmuel,
what was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition....
could end up with a dangling participle.
A Jewish woman says to her mother, "I'm going to divorce
All he wants is sex, sex, sex. My vagina now has the diameter
of a 50-cent piece, whereas it used to be about the
size of a nickel."
Her mother shakes her head. "You're married to a multi-millionaire," she says. "You live
in an eight-bedroom mansion.
You drive a Ferrari. You get $2,000 a week allowance.
You take six vacations a year... And you want to throw all that
away over 45 cents?"
DIVORCE versus MURDER
A nice, respectable lady walks into a drug
store, goes up to the pharmacist, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'd like to buy
"Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
the pharmacist asks.
"I need it to poison my husband," the
The pharmacist's eyes get big. "Lord have mercy!"
he exclaims. "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law. I'll lose my license! They'll throw
both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. You absolutely CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reaches into her purse and pulls out a picture of her husband... in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looks at the picture. "Oh," he says. "You didn't tell me you had
goes into her son's bedroom. "You've got to get up for school, David."
David pulls the blankets over his head and replies, "I don't want
to go to school, mom."
"But you have to," Meryl says.
"I don't want to. The teachers don't like me, and all the kids make fun of me."
Meryl pulls the blanket back a little. "David, you don't have any choice. You've got to get up for school."
OK," says David. "But only if you give me one good reason!"
"I'll give you two," Meryl says. "You're 52 years old, and you're the principal!"
in the Act
The Yom Kippur service was coming to an end. In the ladies gallery, Esther, a widow, just couldn’t take her eyes off
the hunky, young chazzan who was blowing the shofar. She'd been obsessed with him for some time and believed she was in love
When the service ended,
the chazzan took off his tallis and turned around to talk to one of the congregants. This was her chance. Esther immediately
grabbed his tallis and walked away with it – but the Rabbi had seen her. “Esther," he cried, "this is
no way to start the New Year. Why don’t you give back the tallis you just took?”
“What tallis?” asked Esther.
“The one I just saw you take from
our chazzan and hide under your dress,” the Rabbi replied.
Esther could deny it no longer. She raised her dress to remove the tallis, which was tucked into her pantyhose. And because
she was so nervous about being caught by the Rabbi, she accidentally let out a loud burst of flatulence.
“And when you’ve returned
the tallis," the Rabbi responded, "could you please also give back the shofar?”
A Few Quickies
Q: Why are many Jewish girls still single these days?
A: They have yet to meet Dr. Right.
What did the Jewish mother bank cashier say to her customer?
“You never call, you never write, you only visit when you need money."
Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great
A: Because they never let anyone finish
Q: Why are Jewish mothers always excused
from jury service?
A: Because they insist that they're
the guilty ones.
A widowed Jewish woman was sunbathing on a beach at Ft. Myers, Florida . She looked up and noticed that a man about her age had walked
up, placed his blanket on the sand next to hers and begun reading a book.
she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello there, sir, how are you today?"
"Fine, thanks," he responded, and turned back to his book.
the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
time since my wife passed away two years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.
"I'm so sorry to hear that," she said. "My husband passed away three years ago and it's very lonely,"
she countered. "So, do you live around here?"
"Yes, I live over in
Cape Coral," he answered and again resumed reading.
Desperate to find some
topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?"
the man dropped his book, jumped off his blanket and onto her, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate ride
of her life!
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How
did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man shrugged. "What I want to know,"
he said, "is how did you know my name was Katz?"
(Actual ads from Israeli newspapers)
Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an
orphan! Write. POB74.
Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos.
Seeks same in woman. POB 71.
Desperately seeking shmoozing! Retired
senior citizen desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, and krechtzing. Under 30 also OK. POB 64
Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shul, light Shabbos candles, celebrate
holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses and bar mitzvahs. Religion not important. PB 658
Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles, havdalah
candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker. POB 787
Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp. POB 76
Staunch Jewish feminist,
wears tzitzis, seeking male who will accept my independence, although you probably will not. Oh, just forget it. POB 435
The end of the world has come. God looks over the millions and millions of people standing before Him and says, "Welcome
to Heaven! I want the women to go with St. Peter over there. Go now and follow him. As for you men, I want you to form two
lines. The first line, to the left of me, is for men who dominated their wives on earth. The second line, to the right,
is for men who were dominated by their women. OK, now, go line up."
There is much movement for some time, but eventually
the women are all gone and there are two lines of men. The line of men who were dominated by their women is 150 miles
long. The line of men who dominated women consists of only one man.
God is furious and says, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves! I created you in my image, and yet you were all
dominated by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!"
He then turns to the man and says, "Tell them, my son.
How did you manage to be the only one on that line?"
"I don't know," the man replies, "my wife told me to stand here."